


Trollslum

by lea_hazel



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alien Culture, Ashen Romance, Gen, Jossed, Love/Hate, Multi, Other, Pale Romance, Troll Romance, Unrequited Love, after the end, captchalogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-01-29
Updated: 2011-05-11
Packaged: 2017-10-15 05:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/157308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lea_hazel/pseuds/lea_hazel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Responses to assorted prompts or challenges, mostly shenanigans in a vague post-game setting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. T3R3Z1 H4T3S CLUBBING JOHN

**Author's Note:**

> Anon requested an abnormal ashen relationship.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lifetime of being human doesn't prepare you to be the perfect kismesis.

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:03 --

GC: N4K N4K N4K N4K!  
EB: doof!!  
GC: >:D  
EB: :D:D:D  
GC: WH4T 1S UP LOS3R HUM4N?  
EB: skaia mainly. sup with you?  
GC: NOTH1NG MUCH. DR4AW1NG.  
EB: whatchu drawing?  
GC: N3P 4SK3D M3 TO DR4W H3R POUNC3 D3 L1ON, H3R D34D LUSUS.  
GC: SH3 W4S 4 B1G OLD STUP1D C4T, L1K3 TH1S: :33  
GC: BUT NOW SH3'S D34D. L1K3 TH1S: X33  
EB: :(  
EB: thats nice of you i guess  
EB: to do that for nepeta.  
GC: BUT 1T'S SO H4RD TO DR4W H3R3!  
EB: why?  
GC: TOO MUCH NO1S3. >:O  
GC: STUP1D K4RK4T 1S M4K1NG 4 FUSS 4S USU4L.  
GC: YOU SHOULD C4LM H1M DOWN.  
EB: me? i thought i always make him angry. O_o  
GC: >:} 3X4CTLY.  
GC: KK LOOOOOOOV3S B31NG 4NGRY. 1T C4LMS H1M DOWN L1K3 4 CH4RM.  
EB: maaaaaaaan. i never would have agreed to this kismet thing if i thought it would be so much work.  
EB: i only did it to shut him up basically so he would be my friend.  
EB: and to get him of gg's back.  
EB: and i thought it would be funny, ok, it seemed like a cool prank.  
EB: but thats it.  
GC: >;)  
EB: really.  
GC: LOOK 3GB3RT TH1S 1S NOT HOW 4NY OF US 1M4G1N3D F1LL1NG 4 QU4DR4NT BUT 4 TROLL'S GOTT4 DO WH4T 4 TROLL'S GOTT4 DO.  
GC: NOW WORK YOUR HUM4N 34RTH M4G1C 4ND G3T KK GOOD 4ND M4D  
GC: SO TH3 R3ST OF US R1GHT-M1ND3D P3OPL3  
GC: C4N F1N4LLY G3T ON W1TH OUR D4Y.  
EB: slave driver.  
GC: 1 4M ONLY DO1NG MY JOB. c3<  
EB: ....  
EB: ........  
EB: c3<  
EB: you.  
GC: >:}

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --


	2. Hamburg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon requested use of the Homestuck prompt randomizer: http://asbestosnow.bravehost.com/homestuck.html

"I Thought Hamburg Was A Kind Of Food." 

"That's a hamburger," said Rose. "Hamburg is a city in Germany. I was going to go to school there." 

Rose had always enjoyed explaining things about her world to Kanaya. Or so, at least, she had thought. Lately it seemed more like Rose was brushing her off with the shortest possible answers, and it was not like Rose to finish a sentence in less than thirty words. Kanaya's human etiquette book repeated that humans loved to listen to themselves talk, so she prompted Rose with curious questions. Only, it did not seem to be working. 

While Kanaya pondered this, Jade came over to talk to Rose, who immediately turned to her and away from Kanaya. She decided abruptly not to ask Rose about schools, but instead got up and left her to her distractions. For some time she wandered the satellite's dull gray halls listlessly. Murmurs of activity came from every room. She peeked through one door and saw Gamzee snoring loudly and wetly on his pile of horns. In another room, Feferi was braiding Aradia's hair. Before she even got to the common area, she heard the sound of Karkat hollering at John, and John's unsuccessfully suppressed giggles. 

Everyone was getting along with their humans but her. Everyone was content to sit inanely in this absurd satellite and watch the planet below, waiting for it to ripen. As was always the case before, everyone was in pairs or trios, and only she was alone. Kanaya leaped lightly down a port to the engine level and slammed the port shut behind her. Over the din of the machinery she could hear rhythmic murmuring, and caught a glimpse of Equius and Dave engaging in one of their ridiculous standoffs, while Nepeta sat crosslegged on the floor, rapt with admiration. 

Kanaya creeped past the door to the engine room, hoping Nepeta wouldn't notice her. She thought about visiting Freija, but lately even her own baby mother grub didn't want anything to do with her. Sidestepping the path to the warm nest-room, she leaped down one more level, to the chilly and dark storage level. 

The dimness and chill suited her mood. In the bare light, she could faintly make out the odd, intersecting shapes of all sorts of useless equipment that neither trolls nor aliens would ever need again. What little light there was filtered strangely through the chambers of the cloning apparatus. Perhaps she would paradox-clone herself and create a companion who'd actually enjoy her company. Then again, perhaps not. What if the clone found her as dull and overbearing as everyone else? It would be the utmost in humiliation. 

"H3y." 

She turned sharply towards the suspicious noise and ended up falling skirt over horns and slipping over something round and smooth, probably one of those detestable white spheres. 

"H3y, h3y, K4n4y4, don't k1ll yours3lf h3r3." 

Kanaya sighed audibly. "Terezi. Help Me Up Please If You Will." 

Terezi grabbed her by both hands and pulled. "What's wrong?" she said. 

Her tone made Kanaya suspicious. "Nothing Is Wrong. Why Would Something Be Wrong And Why Are You Talking Like That." 

She could barely make out Terezi's shrug in the dimness. "I just thought maybe you wanted to talk seriously. 1f you w4nt, 1 c4n st1ck to t4lk1ng l1k3 th1s." Her toothy white smile was noticeable even in the partial darkness. 

"Nothing Is Wrong," Kanaya repeated herself, "Except I Dont Know What Hamburg Is." 

"1t's a hum4n c1ty from th3 old world, why would you n33d to know th4t?" asked Terezi. 

"I Dont Know," said Kanaya crossly, "But Rose Certainly Thinks Its Important That I Memorize All The Cities In Her Absurd Dead Universe. Its Not As Though We Have A Whole New One That We Can Share Or Anything. How Do You Even Know About This Place." 

Terezi shrugged again. "I just know some things sometimes." She took Kanaya's hand. "Let's find a place to sit and we can talk about Rose some more." 

She let herself be led. Terezi's superior sense of direction, among other damper senses, directed them both to an impromptu alcove built of broken harpoons and alien bedsheets. Terezi ducked in and Kanaya followed, sinking down on a low seat improvised from a pile of garments or the like. Mostly empty boxes of chalk and paint were stacked on the small floorspace that was left.

"Th1s 1s my s3cr3t fort," Terezi said. "1 go h3r3 wh3n 1 4m s1ck of 3v3ryon3 4nd th31r stup1d rom4nt1c m3ss3s." 

"Oh," said Kanaya. "You Let Me Bring My Mess Into Your Haven." 

"I don't mind your mess," said Terezi, in quite a different tone. "You're always welcome in my fort, even if I'm not here. You can bring a light, if you want." 

"I Think I Like The Dark Now," said Kanaya. "It Suits My Mood." 

Terezi tilted her head and leaned sideways on a little cushion. She seemed totally relaxed, like she was almost lying down. 

"I Dont Know Why Rose Expects So Much Of Me. I Dont Know What She Expects Of Me At All. She Has Not Said We Are Matesprits. Or Human Earth Girlfriends Or Anything Else." 

"Do you want to be Earth girlfriend with Rose?" asked Terezi. 

"Is The Dave Human Your Matesprit?" asked Kanaya. 

"Right now Dave isn't even my friend," Terezi said flatly. 

"Is That Why Youre Down Here?" 

"I'm trying to give him space," she said. "It's a human thing. He doesn't want me underfoot all the time." 

"That Is Ridiculous," said Kanaya. "If I Were A Pasty Hornless Alien I Would Want You Underfoot As Much As Possible And Overfoot As Well." 

Terezi smiled brightly in the dark and put her tiny socked feet on top of Kanaya's boots. "There. I'm overfoot. Are you sure that's what you want? Wouldn't you rather have the Rose human's sugared violet stockings overfoot as much as possible?" 

Kanaya paused to think. Terezi was watching her with poorly veiled anticipation. "No, I don't think so," she said in quite a different tone.


	3. Gnostism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being dead and existing in a bubble in the Furthest Ring should not be a hindrance to achieving Troll Serendipity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon requested fluffy Jade/Feferi in a dream bubble.

CC: It's not t)(at bad.    
GG: really? ^_^    
CC: Really! T)(e afterlife is -EXCITING!    
CC: I am learning so many new t)(ings.    
GG: like what?    
CC: I am not supposed to tell you t)(e cosmic answers. 38[    
CC: It is too important.    
GG: alright, but what sort of things did you want to know.    
CC: O)(!    
CC: T)(at is okay to tell I t)(ink.    
CC: About trolls, and )(ow t)(e Alternian empire came to be.    
CC: W)(at we were like before.    
CC: W)(et)(er i could )(ave c)(anged us, if I became -Empress like planned.    
GG: that is all very interesting!    
GG: not at all like what i'd ask if i were you.    
GG: :o    
CC: )(e)(e)(e. 38D    
CC: W)(at would you ask?    
GG: about quantum mechanics, and gravitons.    
GG: and my grandpa.    
GG: and whether people like me.    
GG: you are so important! you have big important questions!    
CC: Don't be silly, Jade!    
CC: -EV-ERYBODY likes you!    
CC: W)(y wouldn't t)(ey?    
GG: that's not what i mean. :o    
GG: it's a little embarrassing!    
CC: S)(orely you can trust me, Jade.    
CC: We are friends!    
GG: i meant, like-like.    
GG: you know.    
CC: Like a matesprit?    
GG: i guess that is what trolls call it.    
GG: the way you like twinarmaggedons.    
CC: SOL-E-LUX! I do like )(im a lot.    
CC: <3    
GG: yes, and you are only supposed to like one person that way!    
GG: unless that's also something you do differently.    
CC: No, I t)(ink t)(at's t)(e same.    
CC: Because of t)(e quadrants, you are only supposed two )(ave one of eac)(.    
GG: otherwise, it's cheating.    
CC: Yes.    
GG: and that's wrong.    
CC: Of course.    
CC: Fis)(sticks, it sounds like you s)(ould be talking too S)(arkat about t)(is! 38O    
GG: that poses a bit of a problem. :(    
CC: Is )(e t)(e one you like?    
CC: T)(at's no problem at all!    
CC: I am pretty sure )(e likes you too!    
GG: oh noooooooo!    
GG: D:D:D:    
CC: W)(at's wrong, Jade?    
GG: i don't like karkat!    
GG: i like someone else, and they don't like me back. :(    
GG: or they can't.    
CC: Are you s)(ore? You could be mistaking pale feelings for flus)(ed.    
GG: don't be silly feferi.    
GG: humans don't have quadrants.    
CC: Well, maybe you s)(ould TRY t)(em and S-E-E!    
CC: You mig)(t LIK-E )(aving someone TAKING CAR-E of you.    
GG: i am too old for someone to take care of me.    
GG: it is time to be a grownup. :(    
CC: Glub. 38[    
GG: fef?    
GG: i'm sorry.    
GG: i've been short with you.    
CC: It's not LIK-E you, Jade. 38[    
GG: it's just that thing weighing on my mind.    
GG: i guess.    
GG: it's stupid, forget i ever told you about it.    
GG: i'm stupid.    
CC: You're not stupid, Jade.    
CC: You're special.    
GG: i'm not that special anymore.    
CC: Jade!    
CC: You forget, I KNOW T)(INGS now!    
CC: I know t)(at you're SP-----ECIAL and you )(aven't even started realizing it yet!    
CC: Your role isn't over, it's barely START-ED.    
CC: T)(ere are many -EXCITING t)(ings a)(ead for you.    
GG: should i be ---EXCIT-ED then?    
CC: Y---------ES! 38D    
CC: Your job, it's V-ERY important!    
CC: -EV-ERYON-E will need you!    
CC: And you will need someone to TAK-E CAR-E of you.    
GG: :?    
GG: is this about the pale thing?    
GG: do you know something i don't?    
GG: what did karkat say?    
GG: fuckass.    
CC: Glub.    
CC: 38?    
CC: You misundersturgeoned me.    
GG: oh?    
CC: Y-ES.    
GG: indeed?    
CC: Indubitably.    
GG: :D    
CC: 38D    
CC: I am not supposed to tell you t)(is. 38O    
CC: It's V-ERY S-ECR-ET.    
GG: should i feel guilty?    
CC: You will find glub. I mean love.    
GG: !!!    
CC: Yes.    
CC: It is CLOBST-ER t)(an you t)(ink!    
CC: You just )(ave to kee an open mind.    
CC: W)(ic)( you are very good at!    
GG: i am?    
CC: You managed to get t)(roug)( to S)(arkat, w)(ic)( is more t)(an eleven of us can say.    
GG: i did?    
GG: is that what makes me special?    
CC: It is so muc)( more t)(an t)(at.    
CC: -Everyone )(as an important job to do, Jade.    
CC: Not knowing is part of your job.    
GG: but it's hard not knowing.    
CC: Yes, it's )(ard.    
CC: I know it's )(ard.    
CC: And I know you t)(ink no one understands.    
CC: You are already a )(ero Jade.    
GG: i guess?    
CC: You are t)(e Witc)( of Space.    
GG: i am!    
GG: and a princess of prospit.    
CC: -EXACTLY. 38)    
CC: You are a )(ero, and you can trust yourself.    
CC: And if you become confused, you can trust me.    
GG: you'll take care of me fef?    
CC: Glub....    
CC: If you let me.    
GG: i    
GG: i have to think about it. :?    
CC: T)(at's okay. 38)    
CC: It's time for you to wake up again.    
GG: will you be here when i come back?    
CC: I will always be )(ere Jade.    
GG: <3

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering cuttlefishCuller [CC] at 00:25 --

CC: 38O   
CC: ...    
CC: <>


	4. Interesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose curses all those books for being right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were two requests on captchalogue for Rose/Aradia, with no additional details.

TT: Wait, don't go!  
TT: You were actually interesting.

The first thing Rose did when she crossed over was seek out the girl who knew things. She didn't know what to expect. Jade had spoken to her twice, but her impressions both times were so radically different from each other, and from Rose's own conversation with her, they might as well have been three different people. Even her quirk, that vexatious troll foible, changed from time to time. Rose didn't even know her name, although she did know her star sign. She was a mystery, an enigma, a sexy unknown.

Um.

After consulting Jade's space goggles the four of them made their way to the trolls' specific location. The other three mingled awkwardly with the survivors, but Rose marched right up to the pocket-sized capitalizer and poked her index finger squarely in his chest.

"Where's the girl who knows things?"

"Hello to you too, you mannerless fucking primate," said the geneticist in a surprisingly low and scratchy whisper.

"Top o' the morning to ya," said Rose. "I want to see the girl who knows things."

"No one's ever described Kan quite like that," said another troll in a high, squeaky voice. She turned and rounded on Rose. "Hello, best hatefriend."

"Terezi," said Rose.

"Your deductive fucking acumen blows us all away," said Karkat.

Terezi grinned toothily and Rose was momentarily taken aback.

"The red text girl," she clarified, shoving down an uncomfortable feeling that Terezi, and Karkat as well, knew exactly who she meant.

"I think you mean me."

She spun swiftly in place, ignoring, to the best of her ability, the calibrator's high-pitched yet hyena-like cackle.

"Hi," said the girl who knew things, waving her hand cheerily. She wore a red outfit with a God-Tier hood, and had butterfly wings trailing behind her. Her smile was wide and white-toothed and, one dared to assume, not terribly fatalistic. She had two large, curling ewe's horns; aries, of course. Her strife specibus appeared to be a whipKind.

Um.

"Uh, hi," said Rose, twisting her hands together.

"You must be, uh, hi?" said the red text girl.

"Rose," said Rose. "Um, uh, tentacle therapist?"

"Hi!" said the girl again, grinning even wider. "My name's Aradia, I don't think I've ever told you that. What's a therapist?"

Aradia. Araaaaadia. It sounded so smooth and languid, she couldn't wait to try and say it, which she would have done right then and there, however foolish. Sadly, her tongue appeared to have lost all independent function. She wondered when it would descend over her larynx, suffocating her. A silly grin spread on her face.

Red tex- err, Aradia, waved a gloved hand in front of her face. She looked worried. About her. About Rose Lalonde. Hee!

"Are you alright?"

"Red text girl, huh?" said Karkat scratchily.

"Hee hee hee," Terezi laughed theatrically. "Yeah, I'll say there's something upright sanguine about that text."

Karkat dragged her away, much to Rose's relief.

"Hi," she said again, smiling what she felt must be the most ridiculous-looking smile of her life. "I'm so sorry. I just... drifted off a bit?"

Aradia grinned. "Yeah, it's been a long day and we're all tired. I bet you're dying to sleep. We tried to alchemize you some fabric recuperation rectangles."

"Hee!"

Aradia frowned. "What's so funny?"

"It's funny how you talk about human things," explained Rose. "Anyway, I'm not sleepy, I'm really buzzed!" She felt like a fleet of trite and cliche red butterflies were fluttering about in her abdominal regions. "I can't believe we're finally meeting in person!"

"I know!" Aradia clapped her hands together. "It's so exciting. I wish you could meet the others, but they all died."

The sobering thought had little effect on Rose's ridiculous grin. "How many of you are left?"

"Seven," said Aradia. "Um, did you want to talk to Kanaya? I think she was maybe looking forward to meeting you."

Rose glanced about, knowing she was looking for a glowing girl in a stylish dress. She found her with no difficulty, leaning over Karkat's shoulder while the latter glared at a behooded John. "Oh. Kanaya." Right.

Aradia's smile dimmed, and Rose felt a vise tightening in her chest. "How awkward. Um. I mean, I should probably talk to your Knight of Time, we have technical things to discuss. I guess you can just-- um--" She retreated slowly without ever finishing her sentence.

Rose knew despair. All those stupid books being stupidly right about everything, how dare they?

"Boo."

Neither her shriek nor her tumble to the cold metal grating were especially dignified.

"Roooooooose!"

Somehow, she even _heard_ the eight Os. She held up her hand to a leering, satisfied-looking Vriska, who was similarly sporting wings and a hood.

Vriska looked at the hand.

"Help me up," supplied Rose.

"Oh," said Vriska, grasping her hand awkwardly and muttering something about the strangeness of aliens.

Once up, Rose dusted her skirt with all the dignity she could feign. "Pleasure to meet you, Vriska."

"Likewise. You look a lot less pink and squishy than you did in my monitor." She grinned again with all her many sharp teeth.

"Thanks," said Rose dryly.

"Oh!" she said, clapping her hands together. "Kan just can't wait to see you!"

Rose's stomach made an excellent impression of a destroyer following an unfavorable encounter with a U-boat's torpedo missile. "So I hear," she said politely, her voice squeaking and her face feeling suddenly quite warm.

"You're getting pinker, pinky," said Vriska, looking suddenly suspicious. "Hey!" She poked her finger into Rose's chest. "You're not going to break fussyfangs' heart, are you?"

"She never-- uh, she didn't say anything-- um. No?"

Vriska propped her fists on her hips, or whatever troll girls had in the general hip vicinity. "But you knew damn well. Daaaaaaaamn well!"

"Ugh," said Rose. "Yes, I suppose I did."

"I thought so," said Vriska with a satisfied nod. "Everyone knew but me. So. Why don't you pity my fussyfangs, and what are you going to do about it?"

Rose said nothing, but couldn't quite keep herself from glancing sidelong to where she thought Aradia might be. She was hugging Jade very enthusiastically.

Vriska half-turned and scrutinized the hugging pair through squinted, odd-pupiled eyes. "Which one?" she asked suspiciously. "Puppy apocalypse girl or the one who killed me?"

"Aradia killed you?"

Vriska waved a dismissive hand. "Shit happens. You didn't answer me!"

Rose hesitated. "Do you ever get a feeling like there's something alive in your stomach? Just from looking at someone? Even though you don't even really know her and also she's an alien with horns and she might be a murderer?"

She stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Sounds like you're in trouble," she said. "I don't know much about these things. You better ask Karkles, or your puppy girl friend."

***

"Your friend is very strange!" said Aradia, sneaking a stealthy look behind her.

Jade giggled. "Which friend? Never mind, all my friends are pretty strange!"

Aradia laughed loudly. "Yes, I guess so. I meant Rose. She was very strange to me, earlier."

"That's odd," said Jade, frowning. "She talked a lot about meeting you, before. I thought she liked you. Sort of."

"Sort of?" asked Aradia.

Jade shrugged. "You did change a lot, you know."

"Oh, that's because I was dead before," said Aradia lightly. "Also, a robot. And a frog."

"That's pretty impressive!" said Jade. "What's being a frog like?"

"Weird," said Aradia conspiratorially. "I don't really miss it, although I was pretty okay with it at the time." She smiled and shrugged. "Anyway, why would Rose want to meet me? I barely remember talking to her."

"I don't know," said Jade, "but you were the first one she mentioned. It was weird, I thought she'd be more excited to meet-- uh."

Aradia scratched the base of her horn. "Yeah, I guess everybody thought that, I don't know. This is all very awkward!"

"Where did she run off to, anyway?" asked Jade. She glanced this way and that. John was fending off Terezi's curious nose, Dave was vainly attempting to pick a fight about programming with Sollux.... There she was, of course, talking to-- Karkat?

"Why is she talking to Karkat?" she demanded of Aradia, not a little irate.

"Maybe they're talking about the plan," Aradia suggested. "I really don't know! Isn't it exciting?"

Jade sneezed. "Not really. I miss knowing things. It was handy. I'm going to see if they need my help."

With that, she strode off towards the conferring pair, and Aradia shrugged and turned to look for Kanaya. Maybe she had some insight into the lavender human, she did seem to know her better than any of the other trolls.

***

"Basically, you need to be less of a loser."

Rose sighed. She didn't know why she had expected anything else.

"Hey!" said Karkat. "Fuckass! You came to me for advice, remember?"

"Yes, I seem to recall," she said, picking her driest voice.

"That ambitious human insincerity you like so much won't do you any good with Aradia, Lalonde," said Karkat. "I'm telling you right now, she's not into that shit."

"Who's not into what shit?" Jade had snuck up on them, her feet uncannily silent in her Squiddle shoes.

"No one!" said Rose hastily. "Why would anyone be into anything?"

Karkat slapped his forehead. "I have no fucking idea, Lalonde," he said, "not a gog-damn fucking clue. Just think about what I said, will you? Don't be as much of a dipshit as you usually are. And talk to Kanaya."

"He's right, you know," whispered Jade once Karkat stalked away to harass John some more. "About Kanaya."

"What?" said Rose. "No! Besides, you don't even know what we were talking about!"

Jade shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You have to talk to her either way, and sooner, rather than later."

Rose twiddled her thumbs awkwardly and Jade exhaled a loud sigh.

"At least don't avoid her when she comes to talk to you, okay? Can you promise me that? Please?"

Rose bit her thumbnail. "Okay, maybe," she mumbled.

"Anyway, I need to talk to Karkles too," said Jade, perking up. "Good luck!" And she skipped away to where Karkat was screaming bloody murder at John and Dave both.

Rose stayed where she was. Perhaps if she stood very, very still, no one would notice her and--

"Hello Rose."

\--Crap.

She turned around slowly. "Hi," she said, "Kanaya."

Kanaya smiled and held out her hand. "It's very nice to finally meet you in person. How do you do?"

She shook her hand limply. It was cold, despite the light it gave off.

Kanaya's smile dimmed.

"I-- uh--" she fumbled. "Um. I really am glad to meet you?"

She managed a new smile, clearer and thinner, and somehow strangely familiar. "I guess I know," she said.

Rose wondered if she had looked at Aradia without even noticing. "I like your dress." She did. It was purple, with a pattern in white and yellow of what proved to be many-legged insects.

"Thank you," said Kanaya. "It's all right. You don't have to feel... beholden. I am glad just to have you as a friend."

"I thought trolls didn't have friends," said Rose faintly.

"I suppose we're not ordinary trolls." Kanaya sighed. "Come to think of it, who is?"

Rose shrugged. "The game," she said simply.

"Just don't come on too strong," said Kanaya. "She's only just come out of a messy reacharound, and she doesn't know you like you think you know her." She smiled dimly again. "I should know."

Rose glanced at her sidelong, but found her eyes drawn again to Aradia. "You think I have a chance?"

"Rose," said Kanaya, "there are only eleven people left in the whole world. Those sound like decent odds to me."


	5. Reciprocity Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya introduces Rose to an important Alternian holiday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the troll Valentine's Day prompt on captchalogue.

"Good evening."

Rose looked up from her book. It was barely twilight out, and yet here was Kanaya at her doorstep at what must be an improbably early hour for her.

"Good evening," she said. "Is it that time of month again? I thought I marked them all on my calendar, but I might have missed a day."

Kanaya smiled. "The matter at hand is not today, but tomorrow," she said.

"What's tomorrow?" Rose asked.

"Reciprocity Day," said Kanaya. "It's a very important troll holiday, and this one would be your first. I'm holding a little Eve of Reciprocation get-together in my den, and I thought you'd find it an interesting cultural observation, perhaps even prepare something yourself." She smiled again in what seemed a suspiciously disarming manner.

Rose set her book aside. "I see," she said. "What sort of get-together is this? Should I bring something?"

Kanaya cocked an eyebrow. "You might want to bring your knitting basket," she said consideringly. "Refreshments are on me, of course."

She fetched her basket and an evening cardigan. "Let us be off, then."

Kanaya smiled and led the way.

Her room was still empty, because of the early hour, Rose assumed. The table was laid out with a fresh cloth in a cheery design, and snacks and drinks that she mostly didn't recognize.

"I made a pitcher of lemonade," said Kanaya proudly, "and John contributed the cookies."

"Thank you," said Rose, "that's very thoughtful of you." Convincing the trolls that grubs were not on the menu for humans had been something of a trial. "When are the guests meaning to arrive?"

"Kn8ck kn8ck!"

Rose unfroze her muscles slowly and carefuly, and turned around. "Evening, Vriska."

"H8y there, p8rple-p8nts!" said Vriska jovially, clapping her on the back. "Didn't kn8w you were in on the sh8ndig, but then, I guess you kinda h8ve to, now." She leaned forward to examine the food on the table.

This was decidedly new information. She turned to look at Kanaya, who was busliy arranging some flowers and avoiding her eyes.

"Hey," said Vriska, rounding on her again in that unconsciously predatory manner she had, "if you have any 8right ide8s a8out John, you'll t8p me off, right? Right?!"

Rose managed a smile. "Sure," she said, with a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Let's all sit," Kanaya said hastily. "Terezi should be here in no time."

Rose poured herself a glass of lemonade and sat on the armchair, trying not to watch Vriska crunching on something exoskeletal-looking. "So," she said, at a loss for a smalltalk topic.

"Fussyfangs!" exclaimed Vriska. "You decide what you're giving Karkles yet? It iiiiiiiis your first Reciprocity Day together, isn't it? Gotta 8e something special."

Kanaya frowned and drummed her fingers on the coffee table. "He does need a new jacket," she said.

Vriska rolled her eyes. "You can't get him something you want for him," she said flatly, "that is just the ruuuuuuuudest!"

"Vriska, you got me a FLARP book for our first R-Day," said Kanaya icily.

"Uh, oh, right," said Vriska. She scratched her neck and smiled disarmingly. "Sorry?"

"For what?" demanded a voice from the doorway.

Rose choked slightly on a sip of lemonade. "Hello, Terezi."

Terezi laughed squeakily. "Lalonde!" she said excitedly. "Are you the reason why we're gathering at this improbable dusky hour? I see you're breaking her nicely to heel, Maryam. I underestimated you."

Rose boggled. She looked to Kanaya, whose hands were fisting in the couch's coverlet.

"I appreciate your discretion, Terezi," said Kanaya. "I was hoping to break it to her a little more gently."

"G8ntly?" Vriska snorted. "Wh8t's to be g8ntle a8out?"

The glow of Kanaya's face was starting to flicker in a manner Rose was unfortunately familiar with, and her voice grew ever so slightly softer. "The humans had no idea what they were getting into, Vriska," she said, "you know that as much as anyone. You dropped a ton of construction rectangles on poor John, but the rest of us might want to ease them into it."

"Whoa, there," laughed Terezi. "Might want to dim your hate-lantern there, Maryam, the girl you're talking to is taken twice over."

"I'm not!" Kanaya started, but threw her hands in the air. "It would take a tealblood to read hateflirting into every little thing."

Terezi snorted. "Please, we all know what they called you back on Alternia."

"Th8t's right!" said Vriska, looking like she suddenly understood everything.

Rose understood nothing at all, so she withdrew into her armchair and nursed her glass, deciding to prudently wait out the trollish drama storm.

Vriska shook her head, smirking with satisfaction. "Poor old Fussyfangs, even 8eing a Rain8ow Drinker didn't save you from your auspisticing destiny."

"That is just absurd," said Kanaya, crossing her arms over her chest. "Who ever heard of an auspistice for moirails? If anything, it's her you should be talking down to." She pointed a clawed finger at Terezi, who had settled herself cross-legged on the rug, nibbling on a bowl of something Rose didn't care to think about.

"8ctually," said Vriska, rubbing her chin thoughtfully, "I never did congr8tulate you, Pyrope."

"On what?" asked Terezi airily.

"Th8 way you ashen-zoned Karkles," said Vriska, clapping her hands gleefully. "8t was masterful! I had no ide8 you could 8e so devious, I really underestim8ed you. A tip of the hat!" She tipped an imaginary tophat at Terezi, who kept munching without a hint of agitation.

"No one else was going to do it," she said mildly, "and I wasn't going to let some gog-damned three-way caliginous cheating go down on my watch, oh hell no! I think I'll make Sollux a grub-pie. He looks skinny."

Kanaya had left the couch and was stalking angrily about, refilling snack bowls. "Besides, I can't very well auspistice for my matesprit, can I? How ludicrous."

Rose gave up on her lemonade and clanked it down on the coffee table with a little too much force. "What is going on here?"

Vriska and Terezi exchanged a look and burst into uproarious laughter, which only made Rose more cross.

"Kanaya?" she rounded on her girlfriend.

She was pinching the bridge of her nose in that irritated fashion she had, and Rose thought she saw a faint green tint in her cheeks. "It's a quadrant thing," she said.

Rose stood and crossed her arms, staring her down. Behind her, the Scourge Sisters burst into another round of laughter.

"Tomorrow is Reciprocity Day," said Kanaya reluctantly. "It's the one day a year where conciliatory quadrants are celebrated. Trolls buy or make their moirails and auspistices special gifts to pay them back for the work they do all year round. The reason I invited you tonight is because, like it or not, Aradia's been acting as your moirail for months, and that means you owe her something in return. It's only civilized."

Rose boggled. "I have a moirail?" she demanded. "Was I unconscious when it happened?"

"Nope, grimdark," offered Vriska, and collapsed into giggles.

Kanaya nodded helplessly. "You might have killed anyone, even yourself, if Aradia hadn't contacted you just then."

"So I owe her," said Rose, her mind churning. Vague comments from the past few weeks were starting to take on a whole new meaning.

"Oh, Lalonde," said Terezi, smirking, "We all owe her. You were a menace!"

"What about the other thing?"

Kanaya shrugged. "They were just being silly. I used to have a bit of a... well, a reputation, back in the time before. But see, I can't possibly be auspisticing you and Aradia, because that's not even how it works, and we agreed to be matesprits anyway. It was only a one time thing."

Rose stifled an urge to pick a fight with her girlfriend in front of two of her least favorite trolls. "I see."

"That's why I said you should bring your basket," she added helpfully. "Aradia likes hats. Maybe you can knit her a nice beret? Or a cloche?"

Rose sighed, resigned, and dropped back into the armchair. She wasn't about to risk the lemonade again, though.

A visibly relieved Kanaya cleared the table and took a place next to Vriska. "Have you decided what to get John?" she asked conversationally. "You've known him the longest."

"N8," said Vriska, frowning. "I'm t8tally st8mped! Am I a terri8le moir8il?"

Kanaya slammed a hand over Terezi's mouth. "Not at all," she said, while Terezi flailed her fists at her.

"You s8id it yours8lf!" she objected. "I was so 8wful to you."

"You've improved a great deal," said Kanay, pinning Terezi to the carpeted floor face-first.

"Noooooooo, I'm the w8rst!" wailed Vriska. "I'll get him s8meth8ng he h8s, and then he'll h8 me foreveeeeeeeer!"

"I'm certain John will enjoy anything you give him," said Rose. "He's quite fond of you," she added, editing out the 'irrationally' part.

Vriska's ears perked. "You th8nk?"

"Cuh-- uh-- certainly, I agree!" huffed Kanaya, who had all four limbs wrapped around a struggling Terezi, and both fists shoved in her mouth.

Vriska grabbed three snack bowls and sat down hard on the couch, grinning. "Thanks!" she said, shoveling a handful of heavens-knows-what into her mouth. "You're so reass8ring!"

Terezi had finally thrown off Kanaya, and both were lying on the carpet, breathing hard.

"A grub-pie, you said?" puffed Kanaya.

"Y34H," said Terezi, her breath whistling through her teeth.

"Actually, that's an excellent idea."

Rose, who had retracted her socked feet onto the armchair, kept sagely silent. She figured she had fulfilled her daily reccommended boggling quota. "I think I'll make a shawl," she said, "if I have any red and white left."

"Pff-- pff-- Use-- uh-- gold, on the fringe," said Kanaya from the floor. "It'll- uh-- look lovely."

Troll romance sure was strange.


	6. Send for the Cavalry (Reverse Bucket Situation)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is determined to schoolfeed Dave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon asked for a "reverse bucket situation", something that seems innocent to the trolls but sexual to the kids. Credit to rhivolution on pose-as-a-comm on Dreamwidth for helping come up with the situation.

“So, is he your boyfriend or is he not your boyfriend?”

Aradia sighed. Earth humans could be unbelievably obtuse. “We are romantically involved,” she explained, for probably the twelfth time. “He is my moirail. He is not my matesprit.”

Dave glared at her from behind his shades. “English, motherfucker.”

She smacked her forehead. “Dave!”

“Forget it,” said someone behind her. “It’s pointless trying to explain the subtleties of civilized behavior to these uncouth fuckers.”

“Mind your own fucking business, dumpass,” snapped Dave.

“I know!” wailed Aradia. “I have been talking at him for an _hour_ and the boy _refuses_ to comprehend.”

“Good thing you thought to send for the cavalry,” said Karkat.

“Nobody sent for you, fuckass,” said Dave, “this is none of your business, now get the fuck out.”

Karkat punched a code into his sylladex. “Only one way this fucker is getting schoolfed,” he muttered.

Dave took a step back, blanching visibly. “What the fuck is that.”

Karkat advanced on him, carrying an elongated object. “A schoolfeeder,” he said menacingly.

The schoolfeeder was decidedly tubular in shape, and a grayish color. On one end it had a cartridge, which Karkat was now loading with two blinking memory spheres. On the other end it had a thick, rubbery nozzle. There was no way around it, this contraption was decidedly uncircumcised. Having some experience with unwelcome phallic object advancing on his face area, Dave continued to retreat. When his back hit the wall, he cursed.

“Gog damn it, Strider, you will learn about the quadrants if I have to force-feed every drop of juicapience down your miserable protein chute myself!”

“Karkat,” said Aradia worriedly, “don’t you think you’re coming on a little strong?”

“Shut the fuck up, fairy, you’re not my moirail!” snarled Karkat, aiming the dildo-like device at Dave, who clamped his mouth shut.

“Hey, Dave, Karkat, I finally found my DVD collection! Do you guy want to—uh.” John paused and stood in the doorway, taking in the scene before him. “Uh.” He backed out of the room slowly and more or less wordlessly.

Dave shoved Karkat away disgustedly, while the latter boggled at the empty doorway.

“What the fuck was that all about?” he demanded. “Fucking humans are so fucking weird.” 


	7. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska has some issues with the survival of Alternian culture. Or maybe they're personal issues, who knows?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon asked for a troll (not Nepeta) realizing that with so few survivors, they'll never fill their quadrants.

TT: Hmm.  
TT: How does that make you feel?  
AG: Frustr8ed, I guess?  
AG: I mean, I th8 I had my whole life ahead of me.  
AG: And now, suddenly, I'm running out of options.  
TT: So you said.  
AG: I mean, is this really the 8est I can do?  
TT: I see.  
AG: No offense to anyone, I'm s8re they're all detesta8le of pitiful in their own right.  
TT: Do you think about this often?  
AG: Ye8h, sure!  
AG: I me8n  
TT: Go on.  
AG: Troll serend8pity  
AG: F8lling quadr8nts  
AG: It's import8nt stuff!  
AG: It's not tr8vial!  
TT: Of course.  
TT: No one is doubting the cultural significance of troll serendipity, Vriska.  
AG: I worry a8out the others, too!  
AG: See, it's n8t 8ll a8out me.  
TT: No one was suggesting it was, Vriska.  
AG: I'm very concerned for them!  
AG: Wh8 if none of 8s fill o8r quadr8nts?  
AG: ::::?  
TT: This is a distressing thought for you.  
AG: S8re it is!  
AG: Wouldn't y8u 8e distressed if you thought none of your l8ttle fri8nds wo8ld ever fall in loooooooove?  
AG: I 8et you would 8e!  
TT: There's no need to take that tone with me, Vriska.  
TT: I thought we were past this trust problem.  
TT: Vriska?  
TT: Are you hearing me?  
AG: Y8ah.  
TT: Is there anything you want to say?  
AG: I'm s8rry.  
AG: I didn't mean to dou8t you.  
AG: Of course I trust you.  
TT: That's good.  
TT: I was beginning to get worried.  
TT: I thought we made more progress than this.  
AG: I know, I knoooooooow.  
AG: I w8n't disapp8int you.  
TT: I want to make sure we're not backsliding, Vriska.  
AG: We're n8t.  
AG: I am very emotional a8out this.  
TT: Good. Keep going.  
AG: I feel as though no one takes my concerns seriously.  
AG: Even Karkat doesn't care a8out this as much as I thought he would.  
TT: This worries you?  
AG: It's not l8ke him!  
AG: He used to 8e all a8out the moirallegiance this and kismesissitude th8t.  
AG: Suddenly all he gives a d8mn a8out are his 8ros.  
TT: Why do you think this concerns you so much?  
AG: I always said he's make a 8etter human than a troll!  
TT: Do you think that's what he's doing? Trying to be human?  
AG: May8e!!!!!!!!  
TT: Because he hasn't filled his quadrants?  
AG: 8ecause he's not even tryyyyyyyying!  
AG: It's like he stopped caring!  
TT: Caring about what?  
AG: Troll ways.  
AG: Alternia.  
AG: Everyone we lost.  
TT: Everyone you lost? You mean the dead members of your party.  
TT: Vriska?  
AG: I me8n the pe8ple who g8t m8rdered.  
AG: The people I murdered.  
TT: You didn't murder all of them, though.  
AG: N8.  
AG: 8ut all the 8thers are dead.  
TT: The others?  
AG: Gamzee and Eridan.  
AG: The other murderers.  
AG: If they were alive, he'd never let them get away with it.  
TT: Go on.  
AG: If Eridan or Gamzee were alive, Karkat and Terezi would put them on trial, and they would pro8a8ly get executed.  
AG: Why aren't they doing that to me?  
TT: Do you want to get executed?  
AG: N8!!!!!!!!  
AG: We've 8een over this!  
TT: Why do you want them to try you, then?  
AG: 8ecause at least then I'd know that they care.  
TT: Vriska?  
TT: Are you there?  
TT: Vriska, you're worrying me.  
TT: Please answer.  
TT: Remember our deal.  
TT: Vriska, if you don't answer within thirty seconds I'm calling John to knock down your door.  
AG: I know what you're thinking.  
TT: I highly doubt that.  
AG: You were a8out to suggest that I'm in h8 with Karkat, or Terezi, or 8oth of them.  
TT: Not at all.  
AG: Really?  
TT: You still haven't grasped how humans think.  
TT: That's quite all right.  
TT: None of us expected this to be easy.  
AG: Right........  
TT: We're almost out of time.  
TT: Vriska, can you answer me one more question?  
AG: I gu8ss.  
TT: Are you sure that hate is what you want Karkat and Terezi to feel for you?  
AG: I don't think I grasp your meaning.  
TT: You mentioned Karkat spending time with his 'bros'.  
TT: Perhaps you want him to be your 'bro' too, now that he's friendly with almost all of the others.  
TT: Think about it.  
AG: I'm thinking.  
TT: We'll speak about it next time.  
TT: Tuesday at nine.  
AG: I remem8er.  
AG: Roooooooose?  
TT: Yes, Vriska?  
AG: Wo8ld you 8e my 8ro?  
TT: That would be highly unethical.  
AG: 8h.  
AG: Okay.  
TT: Will I see you on Tuesday?  
AG: Yeah I g8ess.  
TT: Don't be late.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 10:00 --


End file.
